How Many Ways Do You Masturbate?
by Victor Schwartzman on February 10, 2007
Today’s poem is not about what you may think.
How Many Ways Do You Masturbate?
When the Nazis came to power
they outlawed pornography:
it is difficult to invade a country
while you are masturbating.
But after the Nazis shot their wad
they spread pornography in the invaded country:
it is hard to fight your oppressor
when you are busy jerking off.
Who has put all that porn
all over the internet?
What is coming?
When it gets here, what kind of a splash will it make?
How many different ways are there to masturbate?
So many, I run out of fingers counting them:
brainstorming irrelevant ideas at a meeting
talking about giving the poor money
sending emails to friends when your short story is published
looking into the mirror as you try comb-overs
reading Joyce when someone else is looking
taking dates to movies with subtitles
rooting for the team that is winning
telling parents about that possible promotion
owning an SUV
wearing the latest fashions
attending the best parties
going to the gym to sculpt your body
See? I’m starting to run out of toes.
writing a poem
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